Turns out that my grandmother isn't the only Gray Lady who thinks I'm doomed to die alone: this article in the New York Times has been generating a ton of buzz in the dating world. Is courtship dead? Honestly, in my year of dating in NYC, what the author describes has not been my experience. My dates have been very traditional--yes, even sometimes dinner on the first date! But if I had my choice, I think I'd prefer this "hangout" dating these other women speak of. I'm crazy shy and anxious on first dates, and sitting down to dinner with a stranger feels hellish sometimes. (And by sometimes I mean ALWAYS.) Even if it goes well, there are so many things that can stress me out: my date asking me to pick the wine, worrying over the price or contents of my entrée (what if the only vegetarian option is full of onions and spinach?!), that awkward moment when you're asked a question just when you've taken a way-too-big bite. And if it's going terribly? You're locked in for at least an hour, and in my experience, those are always the dates when the waiter disappears just when you're ready to sell your soul for the check. I've often felt that my ideal first date would include both parties bringing along a wingman. Someone who has your best interests at heart and could help pick up the conversation in a lull. That whiskey/mac and cheese/dance date in the article? That sounds totally rad to me! I think I'd love a few hangout dates, and then the formal dates if things are progressing.
Some danger, though, in involving friends too early. Marathon Man introduced me to both of his close sets of friends (undergrad, law school) on our fifth and sixth dates. As a single urban girl, my friends are my family, so if you're meeting them, it's a big deal. Accordingly, I took MM's introductions as a sign that he really liked me--but a couple weeks later, well, the joke was on me! Hanging out with your date's friends can create a false sense of intimacy--a few drinks in and you can feel like you're one of the gang, when you really aren't. I learned this the hard way when, a week after my breakup with Marathon Man, I ended up sitting two rows behind some of his friends at a basketball game. Awkwardness aside, I was sad because I'd really liked them, could see myself in their dynamic, and now they were off limits.
In the end, I'm not sure courtship is dead--it's just different. Sure, sometimes I dream about living in a time when dudes had to make a significant effort just to kiss you on the hand. But all you have to do is watch Downton Abbey to know that Lady Edith would probably have killed for OKCupid.
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